Sunday, February 01, 2009

Comfort weight

My mom was in the hospital for the better part of two years before she died. I was in that hospital so much that I could give directions to people who looked lost in the halls. People who were blissfully unaware how blessed they were to not have to know the hospital well because they'd probably only have to visit their loved one for a day or two until life went back to normal. People who quickly forgot where the hospital cafeteria is as soon as the left it because they wouldn't have to worry about depending on that place for meals on a regular basis.

People told me all the time I should 'take a break', but I don't regret going there every day. I was so lucky to have so much mother-daughter time those two years, and even when she was really sick and not much for talking, it was just comforting to be in the same room with her.

But all that time going straight from work to the hospital, then home late to empty cupboards took it's toll. I used to go to the gym 5 times a week, and loved making meals. The gym was the first thing to go when my mom got sick. Then I started eating crap food because it was easier on my way home from the hospital. And sometimes I just went home and ate whatever sounded good because it felt good to eat. So I'd eat too much.

I didn't really give much thought to it until I went to Mexico two weeks after my mom died. When we came back, I saw pictures of myself from behind in my bikini and I was mortified. I hadn't even really thought about my own body in a while until I was faced with that.

I weigh fully 15 pounds over my driver's license weight and I don't feel comfortable in my clothing. 15 pounds. Now I'm 3 months away from a vacation in the Yucatan that probably involves wearing bathing suits daily. It's time to stop telling myself that my body isn't great because of all the time I gave up when my mom was sick. I don't have that excuse anymore.

I'm back to the gym, and I've been running (which I really suck at), but I haven't seen a difference yet. So this week I let one of my girlfriends convince me to join a boot camp with her. And boy was I sore after two days of that! But it felt good. The hardest part of the whole thing was getting weighed. I didn't think I had gained THAT much.

Yesterday Ryan and I did a charity run that was in memorial of a little girl who had the same leukemia that my mom had. One of London's family members gave a beautiful speech about how much they miss her, but that they know there were other families there touched by cancer. They wanted us to know that they understood what we were going through. And I saw people nodding along. Too many people.

We only did the 2 mile fun run, but I never really run that far so it was tough for me. My longest run is 1.5 miles, and I take little walking breaks. But yesterday I was determined. And I did it! I ran the whole thing and I did a great job! I finished in about 18 minutes, not too far behind my hubby.

So now that I have no excuse like 'I can't run' or 'I want to visit my mom', I'm determined to lose some of that ridiculous weight. I know I can do it.

Too bad I got this new-found determination right when Super Bowl came around. Appetizers are my kryptonite.


Blogger Goofy Girl said...

Good for you for being so motivated :) Sounds like the walk was really inspiring!

I'm glad you got good mother and daughter time with you Mom. I think that's so important, helps keep you going when things don't seem so sunny outside.

7:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do better with an exercise buddy. I used to work out regularly with a friend of mine until she moved out of state. Yeah, I too need to work out more! Good luck! ~D

9:09 AM  

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