Sunday, February 01, 2009
People told me all the time I should 'take a break', but I don't regret going there every day. I was so lucky to have so much mother-daughter time those two years, and even when she was really sick and not much for talking, it was just comforting to be in the same room with her.
But all that time going straight from work to the hospital, then home late to empty cupboards took it's toll. I used to go to the gym 5 times a week, and loved making meals. The gym was the first thing to go when my mom got sick. Then I started eating crap food because it was easier on my way home from the hospital. And sometimes I just went home and ate whatever sounded good because it felt good to eat. So I'd eat too much.
I didn't really give much thought to it until I went to Mexico two weeks after my mom died. When we came back, I saw pictures of myself from behind in my bikini and I was mortified. I hadn't even really thought about my own body in a while until I was faced with that.
I weigh fully 15 pounds over my driver's license weight and I don't feel comfortable in my clothing. 15 pounds. Now I'm 3 months away from a vacation in the Yucatan that probably involves wearing bathing suits daily. It's time to stop telling myself that my body isn't great because of all the time I gave up when my mom was sick. I don't have that excuse anymore.
I'm back to the gym, and I've been running (which I really suck at), but I haven't seen a difference yet. So this week I let one of my girlfriends convince me to join a boot camp with her. And boy was I sore after two days of that! But it felt good. The hardest part of the whole thing was getting weighed. I didn't think I had gained THAT much.
Yesterday Ryan and I did a charity run that was in memorial of a little girl who had the same leukemia that my mom had. One of London's family members gave a beautiful speech about how much they miss her, but that they know there were other families there touched by cancer. They wanted us to know that they understood what we were going through. And I saw people nodding along. Too many people.
We only did the 2 mile fun run, but I never really run that far so it was tough for me. My longest run is 1.5 miles, and I take little walking breaks. But yesterday I was determined. And I did it! I ran the whole thing and I did a great job! I finished in about 18 minutes, not too far behind my hubby.
So now that I have no excuse like 'I can't run' or 'I want to visit my mom', I'm determined to lose some of that ridiculous weight. I know I can do it.
Too bad I got this new-found determination right when Super Bowl came around. Appetizers are my kryptonite.
I'm Amanda. I'm an engineer in an industry full of men, a professional wedding and family portrait photographer, a firefighter's wife, a traveler, and a dogMa.