Wednesday, January 07, 2009
I have a picture of my mom and me on my work computer desktop right now, which admittedly might not be the best idea. When I close down all my windows, sometimes it's a shock that it's there. Then I get lost in thought instead of work. And yesterday it sent me into a 10 minute search for this one picture of her and my brother that I know was SOMEWHERE in my Flickr account. I had to have it. Then. Right then. Or I couldn't function.
Yesterday I went back to yoga for the first time since my mom got sick again in June. For the better part of two years I gave up a lot of the things I need to do to take care of myself because I wanted to be with my mom through that time. I don't know why it took me so long to go back to yoga after she died. Yoga does a lot for my soul (and my sore back!). But it also gives me a lot of time to think. Which when you're sad you have to be careful about. Mostly, I left there feeling pretty peaceful last night.
Next month we're flying to Florida to spread my mom's ashes in the ocean. I know she wanted to be in any ocean, but I also know that going to Florida may help the healing of some of those who she left behind. But is it ok if I don't really want to do it? I feel like I'm doing pretty good working through my feelings on my own, and I'm afraid this is going to feel like another memorial. And unlike when we had the two memorials the week after she died, I'm a little less numb now and I know it's going to feel more real. Is it ok if I wish that the good-byes I've done already are enough and I don't have to do more?
I'm Amanda. I'm an engineer in an industry full of men, a professional wedding and family portrait photographer, a firefighter's wife, a traveler, and a dogMa.