Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Holidays and birthdays

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  But is it OK if I don't want to do it this year?  Of course I'm going to because I have this huge guilty conscience and I could never in a million years call my family to tell that I'm not coming.  Even though my family is not the happiest or even remotely sane, I still know I'll go no matter how much I would just rather DVR the Macy's Day Parade and watch it over and over again from my comfy bed while stuffing my face with all things pumpkin.  Ah well.  

I'm back to my "real" job.  I miss the United Way so much I can't tell you.  I'm not usually a "woe is me" person, but this last week I've been trying really hard to talk myself into being positive about my future.  I'm an engineer.  I chose to do it.  Went to school knowing full well that's what I was going to do.  So here I am, and I will figure out a way to make this a good career.  I will do it.  But just like a million other things in my life, this hurts because I know that if my mom was here, I could call her and talk it through.  

My brother's birthday was this week.  He's 27 and he is so independent, and he's still one of my best friends.  He had a really hard time on his birthday, and I wish I could have made that go away.  He called my mom's cell  phone to hear her voice, but my dad had changed the greeting.  My mom is feeling more gone every day. 

But not completely!  When he told me he'd done that, I told him that I still have a message from her savaged from last Fall.  I don't know why I kept saving it all this time, but I feel so lucky to have it.  So even though I can't call my mom, I know I can always hear her voice telling me how happy she is because the doctor called to tell her she was in remission.  And I like her sounding happy.  So I forwarded it to Kevin, and he has it too.  Amazing the small things that make it feel a little better....


Anonymous sunnyinspiration said...

That brings tears to my eyes reading. I would totally want to hear her voice too. Can't imagine the emotions you're experiencing this time of year after your loss. (Btw, I found your blog through africankelli's. I read hers daily and sometimes check other people's blogs who leave her comments.) I hope you have a good Thanksgiving. Your mother is still with you and always will be. I admire your strength to go on, to get up every day to go to work. Really, these are a big deal when you think about all you've been through. As for your career--who knows, maybe something bigger and better is your calling--someday.

8:31 AM  

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    I'm Amanda. I'm an engineer in an industry full of men, a professional wedding and family portrait photographer, a firefighter's wife, a traveler, and a dogMa.

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