Tuesday, October 14, 2008
My mom died.
I don't know how else to say it, and even if I wrote it over and over 50 times, it wouldn't make it any more real.
She died 2 weeks ago, and tonight is my very first night alone since. I knew it was going to be hard, so I planned a night to keep myself busy. TV shows neglected, thank-you notes for flowers and food to write, pictures from a recent vacation to go through... But still, every once and a while I get a jolt of a real memory. My mom holding my hand. Petting my arm with her long soft fingers. Walking gracefully. And it's too much.
I haven't cried much. I don't remember much about the day that she died, but I know I was a little hysterical at times. But always my husband's arms were there. Since then it's been a flurry of things to take care of and other people to comfort. And I'm afraid that all the sadness is right there but I'm letting it build up, and I'm afraid it's going to come out all at once.
I think I should be crying more, but there were so many nights when she was sick that I cried for her. I worried constantly. I dreaded the future. And now the future is here. But still, I don't know why I'm not crying more.
I am just 30 and I have no mom. I may have children one day, but they'll never know her. I have so much more in life to go through that I needed her to be there for.
And I just miss her.
So I think for a while I'm going to just remember my mom here. I don't want to forget a single thing about her, and I hope that if I write down what I know and what I remember, she won't go away completely. I am so afraid I'm going to forget her.
I'm Amanda. I'm an engineer in an industry full of men, a professional wedding and family portrait photographer, a firefighter's wife, a traveler, and a dogMa.