Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I have gone back and forth about this blog. But then something happened to remind me how important it is for me to write down my life.....somewhere....

My mom died.

I don't know how else to say it, and even if I wrote it over and over 50 times, it wouldn't make it any more real.

She died 2 weeks ago, and tonight is my very first night alone since. I knew it was going to be hard, so I planned a night to keep myself busy. TV shows neglected, thank-you notes for flowers and food to write, pictures from a recent vacation to go through... But still, every once and a while I get a jolt of a real memory. My mom holding my hand. Petting my arm with her long soft fingers. Walking gracefully. And it's too much.

I haven't cried much. I don't remember much about the day that she died, but I know I was a little hysterical at times. But always my husband's arms were there. Since then it's been a flurry of things to take care of and other people to comfort. And I'm afraid that all the sadness is right there but I'm letting it build up, and I'm afraid it's going to come out all at once.

I think I should be crying more, but there were so many nights when she was sick that I cried for her. I worried constantly. I dreaded the future. And now the future is here. But still, I don't know why I'm not crying more.

I am just 30 and I have no mom. I may have children one day, but they'll never know her. I have so much more in life to go through that I needed her to be there for.

And I just miss her.

So I think for a while I'm going to just remember my mom here. I don't want to forget a single thing about her, and I hope that if I write down what I know and what I remember, she won't go away completely. I am so afraid I'm going to forget her.


Anonymous Tanya (aka NetChick) said...

I'm so, so sorry to hear about your loss. Losing my Dad last year was so hard -- But, it's good that you've got your loving husband by your side to lean on through this.

I still miss my Dad every single day... But I also smile knowing his love will always be there with me, and his memory will never fade.

Now, when I think of him, I only smile, and know that he enjoyed the life he had, despite the short 65 years.

It will get better. I promise.

If you ever need an understanding ear, please drop me an email.


9:09 PM  
Blogger Mia said...

I am sorry to hear about your mom. It will get better. My mother died in early June but we had time to prepare for it since we were told last November that if she lasted a year she would be lucky. Writing down everything you remember is important. Write down any favorite recipes she had and store them in a safe place. You will be creating a legacy for any children you have by writing down your memories.

1:24 PM  
Anonymous Amanda Cowan said...

I agree with Mia. What a treasure it would be to have a book (or your blog) full of recipes, and anecdotes and things from your mom. Things that make you smile and that you can share with your family. I'm really glad you got some time this last weekend with your friends and Ryan. I know that must have been good for you.

11:22 AM  
Blogger zoeesmommy said...

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my dad four years ago and although we weren't close I still miss him every day.

3:15 PM  
Anonymous SunnyInspiration said...

So so so sorry for your loss. I remember Ms. AfricanKelli posting about the loss of her friend. I thought I'd leave a comment...But, I can't imagine what you're going through. You're very brave and strong (and smart!) for taking the time to write down your memories of her. I hope your husband, friends and family are there for you and you find comfort with them and move forward. Your mom is with you and always will be. She's with you every second of every day. Look, listen. You'll sense her. I hope you have a good weekend and you allow yourself to mourn. This has got to be one of the toughest times of your life. ~D

9:50 AM  
Blogger African Kelli said...

love you, Panda.

10:32 AM  
Blogger indeazgirl said...

HI. it's christin again. I just read this entry and I wanted to say I'm sorry about your mom's passing. Hope you are doing ok. I'm glad you have so many great memories her. She sounds amazing.

1:35 AM  

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