Putting Out Fires

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Strength

I do remember a lot of things about my mom from when I was younger, but not enough. She's been sick for two and a half years, and I'm so sad that right now those are my most vivid memories of her. She would hate to be remembered that way, but in truth who she was really shone when she was sick. My mom was incredibly funny and strong. She wrote poems and songs about her sickness, about the monitors in her hospital room that were constantly beeping, about the nurses... She had AML leukemia and spent quite a lot of time trying to come up with better definitions for AML (Arise Mom! Leave!). All that is who she really was.

I'm really trying to think about all that good stuff, but it's just so hard to think back to a time when she was just my mom, not my mom who was sick.

I got to spend a lot of time with her when she was in the hospital, which we both knew was a gift. We'd never really been allowed just time for me and her before. I know how precious our time together was. Ryan asked me last week when she and I talked about, but I couldn't remember. I think that's because it wasn't like she spent 2 years telling me life lessons. We just were there, friends, chatting about life.

My mom was the best cook. She was a magician in the kitchen and could whip up something amazing from nothing. She always told me that she was so surprised that I cook now, because I never showed interest in cooking with her. I don't regret not cooking with her. She was just amazing to watch. And I hope that I'm half the chef she is. Was.

Still not used to that. Was. And you know what? Most of the time I don't even correct myself. Do you now that poem about someone being just around the corner? I really feel like that. She's just out of reach. I feel like I could still pick up the phone and call her.

I feel pretty good today. Last night was not good. Today was better. And maybe tomorrow something good will happen.

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