Putting Out Fires

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Food for the Heart

Before 2 weeks ago I'd never seen anyone dead, and I'd never been to a funeral. This is all such a weird thing to go through. I think the hardest thing is, for the rest of the people in my world who loved my mother, when she died everyone was just so sad, and there was so much to be done and things to be taken care of. But now, 2 weeks on, they've moved on. As well they should! Life goes on! But I wasn't prepared to have everyone move on at the same time that it's just starting to set in for me. Does that make sense?

It is so hard for me to listen about other people's days, plans for the holidays, fights with friends or family members, because none of that feels as real as how much I miss my mom.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not feeling like people should constantly be talking about my mom or asking if I'm ok. It's just so weird that now it's finally setting in, that she's gone forever, and life has already moved on around me.

And the further away time goes from when she's alive, the harder it feels. Like I'm just getting further away from my mom. Are people going to forget how wonderful and special she was? Will I forget what it felt like to have her hand on my arm or what her voice sounded like? And really, it has been 3 weeks, but I've caught myself saying 2 weeks. Because it feels better.

I haven't meant to find things that remind me of my mom, but it's impossible. She's everywhere in my life. And aren't I luck for that! I don't know if Ryan and I will have kids some day, but I know that if I do, they'll know my mom, even if they never met her.

3 Comments:

Heather said...: I think it's really hard when people get back to their normal life... but to you, your life is still in shambles. :( I'm so sorry about your Mom, its incredibly difficult to lose a parent. I think you'll always remember your mom because she's in your heart.

I can't tell you how hard it is to hear other people talk about their parents- and I think you know exactly what I mean, I don't know when that gets any easier. All of this is so hard, but I know your Mom is very much rooting for you and loving you still :); 6:43 AM
Anonymous said...: How sad. I can't imagine your mother being your first funeral in your whole life. Funerals are always so hard for me. But, I can't imagine the sadness surrounding the loss of a parent.

Do you have a lot of her recipes? You could copy them all and make a book with her recipes on one side of the page and the other side filled your memories associated with her and that particular dish.; 9:11 AM
Katherine said...: Just so you know, we haven't moved on. It might feel like it because we are talking about other things going on, but that certainly does not mean we are thinking any less about you or your family. I think that sometimes people who are indirectly affected by tragedy feel like living a "normal" life, and returning to routine will help the people who are still healing.
But we're healing too, in a different way of course. I still feel my eyes fill with tears when I think of how hard things are for you right now and how this has changed you forever and what a wonderful presence your mom had in everyone's lives. And it's taken me until now, a month after you've started writing again and a week after you told me you were, to even try to read these posts. It hurts to think about. And while it's nothing compared to what you are going through......I just want you to understand that no one is forgetting. No one will forget. We love you, and we loved your mom. And we won't forget her, or let you forget her. That would be impossible!
Love you!; 11:03 AM

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