Thursday, June 14, 2007

Here I am. I am here.

You all are so sweet, writing wondering where I am. I don't know.... I just stopped. I think its because I've learned a little lesson recently about sharing too much of myself and I got freaked out that maybe I was doing that here. Sharing too much. Did I share too much stuff about me and Ryan? Did I share too much about my mom? I don't think I did, but I guess I know that even the smallest thing can come back to bite you. And I certainly don't want to hurt the people I love by sharing something I shouldn't, you know?

I've never been really open on my blog for this very reason. I worry. Worry that
someone I work with will find my blog, worried that someone Ryan works with will find my blog (that happened, by the way), worried that I'll offend someone I love with something I write. So I just don't. I don't share.

But then again, back to the biting you in the ass thing... Even the smallest most innocent little thing you share could come back to you, you know?

That said, whatever. I do feel better when I sit down at the end of the day and post. Even if it is just a picture, I do feel better.

So let's see. A lot has happened. When last we left off with the story, my mom was in
the hospital. Well, she was trapped in there for over 3 weeks. As if the pnemonia and some other little things wasn't bad enough, she got the chicken pox! That set off some kind of panic because my dad, my husband, and I all haven't had the chicken pox. And we all found out about her pox at the same time. Sitting in her hospital room. With the pox germs in the air. THANKFULLY, the 3 of us seem to be pox-free, and I for one was apparently tested and am immune. Lesson: if you haven't have the chicken pox, get the freaking immunization already!

What else? Oh that's right! I became a certified professional type photographer. what do you know about that? My very good friend Jen P recommended me to a lovely couple getting married in October. I was SO nervous about the interview. I had a portfolio made up through, I got myself uber organized
(seriously, you should see the notebook I put together with information!), put on shoes with actual heels, and went to meet with them. Imagine my amazement when 2 days later I got a signed countract in the mail along with a thank-you not telling me how beautiful my work was! Seriously, what could be better than that? (truthfully I think they just love me because I'm so cheap :-) )

Ryan's still teaching the fire academy. I was there for the recruits' burn day a few weeks and got a few pictures that I liked. Wanna see them?

So for the most part, I was there taking pictures for the recruits' academy graduation slide show. It was great. I was really happy with some of the pictures I got out of it!

Which leads me to.... in 2 weeks my husband goes back to his regular schedule. When I was at the burn day I eavesdropped on the recruits talking at lunch because they were talking about how freaked out their wives were about the new schedule and new lifestyle. Ryan had me get in front of them and tell them how it is, and really I did try to be realistic and tell them that its hard, but it can be good if you make it that way. But honestly? Ryan having this 'regular' person schedule with the academy has ruined me. I am dreading July 2nd when he goes back to his 24-hr shifts. Dreading having to make and eat dinner alone. Dreading the part where I have to fill my time with 'things' because I don't want to FEEL alone.

These last 8 weeks or so have been amazing. I've gotten to try out a different recipe every night, we've gotten into TV shows together, on the weekends I haven't had to be solo at parties.... Its just nice. But as I told the new fire wife who cornered me last Friday at the recruits' family night: its worth it. I know it is. Ryan loves his job and the people he works with, and that's got to be enough.

This post has no shape at all. Which is sort of how I'm feeling lately. Work has left me feeling overwhelmed, I feel frantic to soak up all the time I have with Ryan, and there's always this 'What If' hanging over us with my mom. This year has definitely been something else....

But I just know that I feel better after blogging. After sending it out into the world. So I promise I'll do more of that.


Blogger Ramona said...

Amanda, I know how you feel when someone 'accidently' comes across your blog. That happened to me a few months ago and I panicked. I debated on erasing the entry, but the turth was, it was something nice I had written about an elderly couple who lived on my floor at the condo. I believe that their son found the entry. Anyway, it does freak you out a little.
Congrats on the wedding contract! That is so exciting, and the couple are going to be thrilled with their photos. You do good work.
I was wondering how your mom was doing, did it take her long to get over the pox? Is she still in the hospital?
And, enjoy the next couple of weeks to the MAX with Ryan. I can't imagine enduring those 24 hour shifts. Blech!
I think I need to get back into blogging too, I've neglected it a lot this year.

5:49 AM  
Blogger Mia said...

I figured you were busy and that some things had happened. Sometimes taking a break helps.

You will get used to Ryan being back on his regular schedule without even realizing. I find it interesting that they use a burn trailer. We have a burn building. I will have to post a picture some time of our burn building.

And congratulations on becoming a professional photographer.

2:03 PM  
Anonymous grace said...

there you are :)
just kidding, i've been slacking off on my blogging too, ooops. life gets away from you, ya know.

6:21 PM  
Anonymous Em said...

I have the same fears, and I think they are evidence that we care about people ... at least that's the one I'm going with. :) I'm glad you are back.

While I hear that "fire marriages" are failure prone, I think it's awesome that you are so involved with Ryan and his cronies ... that you take an interest instead of sitting home and pouting that he isn't there with you.

It's so obvious that you two are in it for the long haul, and I'm absolutely certain that it's "grit" that makes marriages work. You keep the same attitude and I'm sure you two will overcome it all.

As far as eating meals alone ... I wish you luck and send you strength, Sister.

4:57 PM  
Blogger African Kelli said...

It is all about attitude. I am proud of you for finding the silver lining.

And I LOVE that photo of Ryan. It is great!

6:36 PM  

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    Location: Mesa, Arizona, United States

    I'm Amanda. I'm an engineer in an industry full of men, a professional wedding and family portrait photographer, a firefighter's wife, a traveler, and a dogMa.

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