Friday, December 08, 2006
The thing I'm obsessively thinking about lately is how fake we all are. Someone once told me that people from countries outside the United States complain about our practice of saying, "Hey! How ya doin'?" when we don't really CARE how that person is doing. In fact, if that person actually answered you with something other then, "I'm fine, and how are you?" we'd think poorly of them. We'd think to ourselves, "Why the heck is this person telling me all about their neighbor's barking dog? I just want to keep walking past them...." So why do we do that? Why do we ask if we don't care?
I've spent this week feeling like I'm walking around in this big, fake fog. Like all this stuff is going on around me and I'm so caught up in what's going on that I just can't join in. I try, I do. I throw in comments to the chattiness but I just feel like its so.... I don't know.
I've been doing a lot of self-counseling this week and I'm so disappointed in myself for not dealing with this better. I don't say it, but I've been so angry at people this week. And I know that it is all on me, none of these people deserve it. They don't deserve my anger because they didn't do anything wrong at all, thatthey are just living their lives, and even if they do know what's going on with me there just ISN'T a right thing to say, so I don't expect them to know what the 'right thing' is. But I listen to people talking about random things and I just want to scream, "YOU THINK THAT'S IMPORANT?! YOU THINK GETTING ANGRY AND YELLING ABOUT BUDGETS OR CONTRACTORS ON YOUR HOUSE IS IMPORTANT? YOU THINK THIS IS REAL?" And at the end of the day I think back on all the mean, angry, emotional thoughts I had through the day and I'm ashamed.
And I hate those thoughts because I know, I KNOW, they are irrational and totally only stemming from the fact that I'm dealing with this situation by bottling up my emotions, and I'm afraid that if I can't figure out how to let the emotions out they'll all come out angry. But I'm afraid if I DO let them out, I won't be able to stop them. I don't want them to control me. I want to be strong. I do. But not at the expense of the people around me. Because the chattiness? Is honestly getting me through. It reminds me that our whole life isn't this illness, its everything before and after it.
So for that reason I'm writing this. To get it out of my head. To get it out there. So I can sleep. And so I can be strong.
I'm Amanda. I'm an engineer in an industry full of men, a professional wedding and family portrait photographer, a firefighter's wife, a traveler, and a dogMa.