Friday, December 08, 2006

So I've got a sickness in my family. There's no need for questions or sympathy because I swear I've got support in spades. Besides, I promised the person involved I wouldn't go talking about the sickness, but I really do need an outlet for myself. Does that make sense? I really need to get my thoughts down and out of my head so I can get some sleep. Sleep. Oh, sleep would be good.

The thing I'm obsessively thinking about lately is how fake we all are. Someone once told me that people from countries outside the United States complain about our practice of saying, "Hey! How ya doin'?" when we don't really CARE how that person is doing. In fact, if that person actually answered you with something other then, "I'm fine, and how are you?" we'd think poorly of them. We'd think to ourselves, "Why the heck is this person telling me all about their neighbor's barking dog? I just want to keep walking past them...." So why do we do that? Why do we ask if we don't care?

I've spent this week feeling like I'm walking around in this big, fake fog. Like all this stuff is going on around me and I'm so caught up in what's going on that I just can't join in. I try, I do. I throw in comments to the chattiness but I just feel like its so.... I don't know.

I've been doing a lot of self-counseling this week and I'm so disappointed in myself for not dealing with this better. I don't say it, but I've been so angry at people this week. And I know that it is all on me, none of these people deserve it. They don't deserve my anger because they didn't do anything wrong at all, thatthey are just living their lives, and even if they do know what's going on with me there just ISN'T a right thing to say, so I don't expect them to know what the 'right thing' is. But I listen to people talking about random things and I just want to scream, "YOU THINK THAT'S IMPORANT?! YOU THINK GETTING ANGRY AND YELLING ABOUT BUDGETS OR CONTRACTORS ON YOUR HOUSE IS IMPORTANT? YOU THINK THIS IS REAL?" And at the end of the day I think back on all the mean, angry, emotional thoughts I had through the day and I'm ashamed.

And I hate those thoughts because I know, I KNOW, they are irrational and totally only stemming from the fact that I'm dealing with this situation by bottling up my emotions, and I'm afraid that if I can't figure out how to let the emotions out they'll all come out angry. But I'm afraid if I DO let them out, I won't be able to stop them. I don't want them to control me. I want to be strong. I do. But not at the expense of the people around me. Because the chattiness? Is honestly getting me through. It reminds me that our whole life isn't this illness, its everything before and after it.

So for that reason I'm writing this. To get it out of my head. To get it out there. So I can sleep. And so I can be strong.


Blogger Goofy Girl said...

I hate that facade of acting like everything is ok when it's really not. I have found though that letting people close to me know what's going on really helps, but its sometimes hard when you can't let everyone know. Hope things get better.

8:48 AM  
Anonymous Amanda Cowan said...

I agree.. It's like I have been so sick through this pregnancy but I don't really think anyone wants to actually hear about that when they say "So, how've you been feeling.."

It sounds like you have a LOT on your plate right now and I hope you and Ryan get to have some time together to unwind and relax soon..

11:28 AM  
Anonymous Ramona said...

There is always someone, somewhere who will understand and allow you to vent your frustrations and anger without taking it personally. Keeping it bottled up might increase the pressure so that one day you will just explode. So, use your blog to vent! (Just like you did with this post!) Venting, and being angry does not mean that you are not a strong person, remember that. It means that you actually care.
Take care (I really meant that!)

10:37 AM  

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